I have lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment in New York City for many years now. Such a living arrangement fits my personality and sensibilities. Living alone for many years has instilled a certain type of confidence that “I can survive in this cruel world on my own terms and stand on my own two feet.” I will never live with people who make me feel alone due to having no other options or due to the fear that I would fall flat on my face by moving out and living on my own (even until I arrange for alternate living conditions). I understand though that living alone can feel isolating and that living in an “alive” environment – one with the kind of liveliness that only other people can provide – absolutely is preferable in many situations.

Starting points

  1. Living alone is a privilege. Many people in the world, almost certainly most people in the world, cannot afford to live alone – especially in a place as expensive as New York City. So we must not make some virtue out of something that is out of reach for most of the world’s people.
  2. Living alone is a purely “modern” possibility. For the vast majority of humans who have ever lived, the monumental amount of time and energy required for survival made living alone entirely impossible. The problems of retrieving clean/potable water, cooking/making fire, heating/cooling, washing dishes and clothes and the living space, transportation to work and markets, etc. are essentially “solved” problems in places such as New York City. Modern amenities and conveniences such as laundry machines, dish washers, vacuums, cleaning products, stoves, microwaves, central heating, air conditioners, running water, trains/subways, grocery stores within walking distance, etc. allow me to live alone. If I was born 100 years ago, I would almost certainly die within a week if I tried to live alone. Atleast every other day I marvel at how cool our control over clean water, plumbing, refridgeration, hygeine/healthcare/public health/medicine, heating/energy/fire, etc. are. It literally took millenia to basically “solve” these problems (again only for a section of the world that is much smaller than it should be, though is growing). And I will take full advantage of those hard-fought wins available to a small but growing portion of humanity.
  3. As a corollary, humans did not evolve to live alone. We evolved to live in communities. None of this post is meant to fetishize a delusion of “individualism” as so many Americans tend to do. While I do not depend on a roommate for my survival and wellbeing, I DO depend on many labor relations, such as those with the trash collectors, people who maintain the water pipes and electrical grid, grocery store workers, farmers, etc. So for the context of this post, “living alone” mainly refers solely to the division of domestic labor and NOT to all of the other systems that I rely on living in New York City in my 20s.
  4. Living alone is objectively financially imprudent. For the vast majority of Americans, me included, rent is the single largest monthly expense. Having roommates is the best way for me to reduce that expense. The opportunity cost of living alone, especially in a city as expensive as New York City, is substantial. That said, I think it is sad and unfortunate that a great many people in the world live with others mainly out of financial necessity. The ability to accept that financial imprudence, again, is a privilege not available to most of the world’s people.
  5. Living alone is objectively an inefficient use of space. There likely is no scenario where most of the world’s people live alone in “comfortable” 1-bedroom apartments of atleast a few hundred square feet. This is yet another way in which living alone is a privilege and yet another reason for which we must not make some sort of virtue out of living alone and so-called “individualism.”
  6. Obviously living with individuals who support and encourage eachother/bring out the best in eachother will always be preferable to living alone. But the overwhelming majority of people do not fall into such a category. Living alone provides a benchmark against which one can assess the degree to which other roommates promote one’s growth and fulfillment. In other words, one/I can only determine if living with some individual is preferable to living alone if one/I fully understand(s) how one/I fare(s) alone. Ultimately when assessing potential roommates/housemates, I ask “do I prefer living with x to living alone?” and “do I believe that my life is more enjoyable/fulfilling when I live with x over living alone?” That is a fairly high bar – and a bar that most people in the world do not clear. And that framing developed largely from living alone for most of my 20s.

I have personally observed individuals staying in living situations that actively work against their personal flourishing because they either don’t view themselves as fully capable of living alone or otherwise dislike living alone. On the order of 100 billion humans have lived on this planet throughout time and I claim that atleast one billion of them, disproportionately women, have stayed in tyranical and/or dangerous living situations because they did not see any other viable living situation. Obviously there are other dimensions to this such as social pressure. We should be open to the possibility that the ability and confidence to move to some other city (personal savings/money permitting) and live alone/with dependents, independently of other ties, entails a tremendous amount of bargaining power in relationships involving shared living space. Obviously there are social, mental, and financial components to such an ability/confidence. To be blunt, the world is full of ghouls who will take advantage of others’ position of having few other living options to treat them like a doormat/walk all over them. Knowing with full confidence that one can use modern amenities available to much (though certainly not all) of the global population can fundamentally change those types of dynamics. Living alone for some amount of time proves fully that one always has other living options.

All relationships are constantly being negotiated. And sometimes, real negotiation can only truly happen when one or both parties are willing to “walk away.” Do not mistake this opinion as endorsing the idea of threatening to move out/leave over every little inconvenience. I am merely asserting that when one lives alone for a few years, he or she knows that there always a viable option besides staying in oppresive or exploitative or abusive or dangerous living situations.

There is also the double-edged sword in the person living alone being fully responsible for all of the cleaning/mess. If the sink has many dirty dishes or the bathtub/toilet need cleaning or the laundry basket is getting full or the dining/coffee table are getting cluttered or dust is accumulating on the floor, you have only yourself to blame. On one hand, you will never clean up after someone else. On the other hand, no one will clean up after you. I have learned that I thrive in such conditions.

I think that many people either deploy or are taken advantage of by “weaponized incompetence” whereby one says “can you do x chore because I don’t know how to do it.” The number of people, women especially, who have been manipulated into domestic labor by weaponized incompetence throughout history almost certainly exceeds 10 billion. Because I have lived alone, I can never make such a sleazy and manipulative excuse. Likewise, I am very unlikely to put up with that kind of manipulation from any housemate. If I ever live with someone and don’t pull my weight, I will only have myself to blame and will only be able to say that “I didn’t respect/appreciate my roommate enough to contribute to the household in the ways that I did when I lived alone.” Of course this type of “domestic weaponized incompetence” is always nonsense, but atleast in my case, I hope that my relationships/roommate situations never involve this incredibly common form of manipulation. I have learned to do all of the necessary day-to-day forms of domestic labor beyond any doubt. Given how commonly I witness unequal distributions of domestic labor lead to immense relational strife and resentment built up over decades and even disdain, I hope that the habits I have picked up from living alone make my relationships more egalitarian, less stressful, and ultimately more fulfilling. That is not to say that living alone makes one more empathetic or makes one desire co-equal relationships/living arrangements more, but it might just make one more capable of co-equal relationships at home. Whether those materialize in my life is entirely up to me (or atleast 50% up to me). But given that I can learn basically anything about day-to-day domestic labor via the internet and have plenty of time to figure these things out on my own, I atleast do not have the excuse of “x never taught me how to do y, so I never learned, so I need someone to do y for me,” atleast in the realm of day-to-day domestic labor.

To those who find themselves living alone

  1. Be honest about the degree to which you actually enjoy living alone. Again, human beings did not evolve to live alone. It is perfectly ok to dislike living alone, to crave the “liveliness” that comes with having other people around (even without being ‘friends’ with roommates), and to simply lean into the preferences out of your control. Everyone’s brain is wired differently.
  2. Prove to yourself that you can care of yourself and ensure your own survival. Know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can do all of the normal “adult” chores – such as cleaning your living space, cooking, paying the bills, doing your laundry, washing your bed sheets, etc – without the help of your parents, significant other, enabling friend/roommate, or anyone else.
  3. Living alone gives one full agency to essentially convert part of one’s living space into their own personal “workshop” where he/she might work on any hobbies – be it writing, painting, playing music, exercising/working out, mathematics, video games (within reason, of course), etc. Make the most of “being in control of your own space.”
  4. There are certain domains where the hours of solitude that come with living alone offer a wonderful environment to “chisel yourself into the person you want to be at age 30,” for example. That is a wonderful opportunity. Modern amenities have essentially created what we call “young adulthood.” A great many people throughout history went straight from living with parents to living with a spouse/other family. Living alone provides an opportunity that a great many people who have set foot on this planet never had. I gained a great deal from that opportunity and have come a long way toward shaping myself into the person I want to be at age 30.
  5. To the degree possible, learn to enjoy and to be content with your own company. Be with your friends, of course, but also befriend yourself. See a friend when you look in the mirror.
  6. Find out what you want in roommates. Do you want to generally go about your days separately, but “debrief” or hang out just a couple of times per week? Do you want to cook together frequently/regularly? Do you want to have chai/coffee frequently/regularly?

Sometimes, you just need to walk away

At my first job after college, I met a fair number of people (especially men) going through through a divorce. My boss was one such person. It was a bit ugly at times. I have heard that divorce is one of the most stressful situations people commonly find themselves in. But this boss also told me that when he moved into an apartment alone, he felt so relieved to be able to just rest his head on his pillow in peace. I’m sure there are many sides to the story of that divorce, but seeing that taught me that you never really know what life has in store for you and having more options for survival/day-to-day existence can only be a good thing. Being comfortable living alone may one day be the difference between a peaceful night’s rest and tumbling down a deep rabbit hole of misery and self-destruction.

Closing thoughts

I think to a large degree, I just like coming home at the end of the day to my own space/“man cave.” I find solace in the fact that I can optimize a space to suit my needs. Of course much of this is tempered by the fact that I rent my apartment rather than own it. But that is well on track to change soon. Owning my own living space would absolutely feel better. But until then, there is just something nice about having a space that is visibly my own. Sure a “study”/“hobby room” would scratch maybe 95% of that itch. But I also just enjoy having my own personal space that reflects my needs and preferences. My home server, which is more or less a second brain, really adds to this. My apartment is very much a “home base” in my life, from which I can expose different services/tools to myself no matter where I find myself in the world. I think this is insanely cool, and contributes to my sense of agency over my living space and over my surroundings. Much as I find comfort in having my own corner of the internet, regardless of how small, I also find comfort in being able to carve out my own little section of a large place like New York City.